Thursday, May 29, 2008

Struggling, not writing, grief

I don't know if I should write this or not.  I pretty much keep feeling that. I have so many thoughts and emotions spilling out of me because Matt has died that I clamp my lips shut and don't speak at all. I am nervous what may pour out, I can't distinguish between what must stay private and what it is appropriate to say. This is my writing blog, not a place for personal woe. But fuck it eh, in my description over there it says writer, mother, bookseller, human. Death is part of being human. And I feel as if I have to let some of this out before I explode messily with it.

Thank you to those of you who left a comment here, at our LJ, or sent an email. It honestly meant a lot to me that you took the time. I know there's not much that can be said, but saying something is good, definitely.

I feel so much more lonely now that he's not here. There are things that have happened that are darkly funny, and I would like to share them with Matt, because he's the person that would find them amusing. 

Even opening my Mac is a lonelier experience because Matt and I emailed so frequently or left comments around the net for each other, that the absence of his words baffles me. I click from email to internet, site to site, click, click, but I don't settle because I can't find what I am looking for.

I try to write, that is always my way of dealing with anything, but although my mind is writing, fictionalising as I go about my day, when I sit and try to type words there's nothing there.



2 comments:

Kerry said...

I'm so sorry. Take, your time and I'm sure things will get easier soon. Sorry, never very good at saying the right thing in these instances but I'm sure things will get better for you.

spaewaif said...

Hello Sara.I never knew Matt nor do I know you but it is a strange-and magnificent- world that allows us to connect in such mysterious ways.The passing of somebody unknown but very dear to people who are dearest to me made me think a lot and even shook me.For days I was immersed in a haze of confusion about everything.
One of Matt's entries in your shared livejournal goes:
"The best places are now and later.The past is all a load of old toss".
I'd like to think he is still here in some way,near the sea,under the moonlight,whispering words like sand.

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