Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Not writing, just being.

I haven't written for a few weeks. I should never stop, stopping fucks me up.

It was my twins 11th birthdays so I spent time shopping, wrapping, baking a disastrous cake, and my parents stayed for a few days, then it it was half term. School started back this week but my husband has been off sick with a virus. There have been lots of family gubbins, stresses, worries, grr's. I had this idea that if I worked my way through my list of Things To Do I would clear space for writing and get back to it. My list is never ending. I cross one thing off and add two or three. I forgot that there is no space. I have to ignore all the jobs and write, dammit. So, today I sit down to do just that, words on a screen, no big deal. Only my health issues are flaring and my head is full of fucked up fuzz and not much else.

I shouldn't have stopped.

But. Whispering somewhere in me is the idea that maybe I just shouldn't have started.

There's a gazillion writers out there, I'm not special, I'm not any whoop whoop talent. I'm out of energy. What if I stopped trying to write The Novel and just relaxed, played with words, enjoyed the creative process a bit more. But, then I'd hate myself for not finishing. God, I hate myself anyway, and I particularly hate that I sound so fucking whiny.

Best get on.

14 comments:

pierre l said...

Whatever you feel is right, but we are all waiting to read "The Novel".
People wouldn't be publishing your short stories if they weren't good.
Many hugs, and sorry to read about all your troubles.

kellie said...

Well *I* think you are rather special. And I'm not just saying that cos we're chums, I really enjoy your stories and I see plenty supposedly good stuff by other peeps that I think is dullsville.

I'm just properly beginning to appreciate how much time is involved in writing though and that yeah, you'll only get better by keeping at it.

But you have to have a life too missus, so don't be so hard on yourself. If you're feeling poo you deserve a rest. Take care sausage.

kellie said...

Not that you need to get better at writing, when I said 'you' I meant humanity in general.

Gabe McCaslin said...

Good luck and hang in there!

Nik Perring said...

Oi, less of that I'm not special talk. You're good. Doesn't do any harm to try out different ways and see what works the best for you though. Do stick at it, please.

And happy birthday to your twins.

Nik X

Bob Jacobs said...

Hello whiny,

You're right. You're not special. You're not special because we all have family gubbins, stresses and worries. You're not special because we all have doubts about our ability. And you're not special because we all hate ourselves sometimes.

Or maybe it's just me and you. (Help me out here, someone).

Health issues are real. So is fucked up fuzz. And birthdays and half terms and viruses and stuff. Nothing you can do but deal with it, and don't let it get you down.

When the fucked up fuzz clears, then's the time to think about things. With a clear head. Not now.

Chins up.

Cheers,
Bob

Ad Lad said...

I know how you feel and it sucks.

What you need is a shouty motivator, a doable target and a realistic deadline...oh and lots of special love (or chocolate) when you come up trumps.

Works for me.

claires inner world said...

Hi, I've been following your blog for a while now and just wanted to leave you a little note.
I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I was really happy when I read your post! It's just that it feels good to know that I'm not the only one for whom writing sometimes drops off the bottom of the list of endless 'to do's'. Anyone who has a family, responsibilities, a job, a life in short, feels like this from time to time. You will work through it. And you will feel better and you will write again. Don't castigate yourself over it - think how you'd respond if a friend had written your post - and treat yourself the same way! Hope you feel better soon :)

Sara said...

Gosh. Seriously people, how cool are you all? Thank you, sincerely, for taking the time to post.

Due to my big head full of fuzz and doubt I still have not written any new words, but I did edit a couple of tiny fictions and subbed 6 pieces. It made me feel like a writer again.

Thanks again.

Stella Duffy said...

don't stop. we do all feel like this, way too often. (I am right now, sadly!) and every writer's life has all that other stuff in it too. it just doesn't tend to feature much in back-cover notes on the author. keeping going is the only way to get through it. so do. (and sometimes, a very very little break can help - but only very little or you'll find it even harder to get back into. quick walk?)

essygie said...

I think this resonates with anyone who writes - we've all been here, wondering why we put ourselves through it. But you know, writing makes me feel more alive - and not just when I'm actually writing, but throughout the rest of the day - so don't give up. And I suspect that, like most of us, you write as much for yourself as to be published, because you need to. And anyway, you already have people reading your stuff through this blog and enjoying it - so what if it's not a million people and a book publisher? - that still makes you pretty special, no?

I agree that taking a break always sucks, cos it's so difficult to get back into it. My goal is to write something (even if it's only 100 words) 5 days/week. You just got to go through the pain of getting back into the habit. The moment you write something again, you'll feel better, you know you will!

Sara said...

Thank you Stella and essygie. I'm a little embarrassed to have written this whinge now, but also really grateful to all who have responded. It's much less lonely when others say they understand and it's heartening to know that this is kinda par for the course.

eesygie - you are right. I write because I am compelled to do so, & audience or no, I will write because it's what I do and how I try to make sense of the world.

I have got a grip!

Simon Kewin said...

Wonderful post, Sara. It has cheered me up immensely. We all feel like this from time to time - quite often even - and it helps to know everyone else does too.

Hope you don't mind - I quoted you a couple of times on my own blog as you put things so well.

Anthony James Barnett - author said...

Sounds about par for the course....

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