I am still ill. It is so tedious and makes me a bore. Someone asked how my leg was yesterday and I began trying to race through my reply, aware of how dreary and dull my answer was. For those of you who care to know, my Pyoderma Gangrenosum is healing but very, very slowly. I saw the consultant last week and the PG has shrunk by 1 c.m. I have a deep ache in my leg which is because I have accompanying inflammation of the fatty tissue. Nice. I have been prescribed another couple of months worth of antibiotics. On top of that I have endometriosis and am always at the mercy of my cycle. Things have got increasingly weird in my body, and now when I have a period my eyesight gets fucksy and bloodshot, my back and hips ache, my feet hurt, my body bloats and swells, I get a headache that lasts for several days. The exhaustion I feel is of the put-my-face-down-on-the-floor-and-sleep-wherever-the-hell-I-am variety.
I am embarrassed and ashamed of being ill. Like I am failing in my duties as a human somehow. I vow to eat well, exercise, be a better person, as if that will become a useful bargaining tool. Actually the Pyoderma began when I was exercising daily, cycling for the first time in years, walking a lot, watching what I ate.
I haven't been writing. It becomes impossible to as my brain becomes fudgy. I am trying very hard to shut up my customary inner voice, the one that berates me for being a lazy, fat fuck. I am telling it to sod off because actually, this isn't procrastination, this is disease.
So. A catch up of tedium. It's all I've got right now.
4 weeks ago
11 comments:
Somehow the fact that I’m ill still feels like an excuse to me. I’ve been ill before and written. I wrote two novels in the midst of a deep depression so why can’t I write now? It makes no sense. Of course I can write – what’s this if not writing? – and yet I can’t write what I want to write. So I write what I can write and am grateful for that. When the ship’s gone down and you’re clinging to a bit of broken door you don’t whinge because it’s not a life raft, you just hang on for dear life, kick your feet to get as far away from the wreck and pray you don’t get caught in the whirlpool as it sinks and drags you down with it. See, I can still write, not just words but actual metaphors.
I cant say anything useful. So I will say something un-useful. "Have a hug."
Vx
Well, the good news is, you're not a bore.
It sounds as though you're having a thoroughly shit time, Sara. I hope you start to mend soon, and wish you all the very best in 2010.
Cheers,
Bob
Really hope you're feeling better soon. And I'll add a hug from my to Vanessa's.
Nik X
I'm adding another big hug. Debilitating illness does make you feel worthless, useless, unproductive. With mine, I can see that perhaps with hindsight it was designed to slow me down in some way, or something. Perhaps just me trying to make it seem useful at all. Urgh. XXXX
We certainly all love you and hope your leg will continue to improve. Many hugs from me as well.
Pierre xxx
Thinking of you Sara xx
Emma
Get well soon, Sara. It's a bummer being bodily ill when your mind is hopping. Happy Christmas to you and your family. N x
Sara, you have my commiserations. I know how tedious illness is. People ask how you are and you stop thinking of it as a real question, because you assume that to answer truthfully would make you into the worst kind of bore. However, rest assured, your real friends really DO want to know how you are, they care and they will never get bored because you just aren't the kind of person to drone on self pityingly.
My scleroderma caused my fingertips and toetips to go gangrenous and then fall off, I lost most of my large bowel due to gangrene in three different operations, and I had a total of about 15 operations on various bits of me within a few years. I look back at my life then and realise I was trying to do everything and it was making my illness worse. I had to give up my job but despite the drop in income it's really improved my quality of life because I can now comply with my medical regime, going into hospital for three days every second week. Being able to sleep more and rest indoors is also very helpful for my illness. I wonder if cutting down on your work hours might help you? You could spend as much time as you liked writing at home because that's not stressful like being on your feet all day at work. Also, I would strongly advise getting sickness cover - it won't cover the pyoderma, but if you get it now it should cover other eventualities, and since pyoderma is often a harbinger of other auto immune illness, it's so worth it to be covered now before any other diagnosis has been made. Anyhow, have a lovely festive season and don't worry, you're not dull.x
Hey - chin up you. Well - now I have some competition for the most boring blogger nomination at least! Ha, in the words/voice of Bruce Lee - "Damn you - you wanna bor? Bore me!" and, also in the words of Bruce Lee (what a prophet, of sorts, or do I mean guru?...hmn..getting to the point soon...see, I truly am astoundingly long winded and boring when I blog...also, did I mention I am down under and it is midnight - oooh, sleep deprivation is not good for intersting comments...)"dont' concentrate on the finger or you will miss all the heavenly glory". Wow, that was worth the build up - wasn't it?
Thanks for all of your comments, it really does mean a lot to me.
Jim - being ill still feels like an excuse to me too, but I am trying not to be so angsty about it all. It is what it is, and whilst I will not sink I would maybe like to float a little occasionally rather than tire myself out by kicking furiously and still going nowhere. Oh gawd, I've really gone with your metaphors!
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