If I didn't win does that make me a loser? (NYP Award)

So, I didn't win. A lovely guy called Robert Williams did, and you know, he seemed ace which makes it very easy to wish him well. I look forward to selling his book, which I believe is a novel for young adults . The other 2 on the shortlist were also fab (Helen Raymond and Anya Stern) and it was a pleasure to meet them. The evening was tense though. I had to go to Shaftesbury Avenue for the 'do' in a club. It was worrying entering the unknown, going through a nondescript wee door, and climbing the stairs to who knew what. I was given a name badge, and entered a room where clusters of people were chatting and drinking. I felt very stupid, nervous and out of place and hastened to a corner. It's hard to mingle when you feel small and uninteresting! I didn't want to drink in case I got silly, and I couldn't eat because I felt too nervous. Anyway, the announcement was eventually made, and I honestly had no expectation that the winner would be me so it was fine, and I smiled and applauded and was finally able to relax. A lovely bonus was that the 3 runners up were given consolation prizes of Book Tokens, which I will have enormous fun spending. (I have a serious pile up in the Staff reservations cupboard.)

Random bits:

One of the judges was Adele Parks and she was bubbly and friendly, and went out of her way to put us at ease and give advice and lots of 'well dones'.

I can't believe that for much of my adult life I worked in central London. I only moved a couple of years ago, and already I find it scary with its big, busy, briskness!

The stars outside my house tonight when I got home were so bright and clear I looked up in absolute awe and knew how tiny I am on this spinning planet.

The worst thing about tonight is going to be telling people that I have lost, and them saying never mind, you did really well to get that far, and me saying yes, I truly know that, and them thinking, oh, she's really upset, and me knowing that I'm not, but also knowing that nobody will believe that and it all being a bit embarrassing instead of the huge whoo hoo ness that it was before they found out that I didn't win. Does that make any sense at all?