Inadequacy!

The post-person delivered another book for me to review today. I always open review books hopefully, but a little nervously. Ploughing through something I hate and then having to write a review is tedious, and I resent the time it takes, but the lovely feeling that accompanies reading a fresh voice, a good writer, is brilliant. Plus, of course, I am ever so delighted by FREE books, to be paid to read fiction and give an opinion is a (mini) dream come true.

Anyway, these proofs always come with a publishers blurb which attempt to sell both the novel and the author. I have never read a blurb with such...I'm not sure, gob smacked envy? My goodness, this woman seems to have lived a life I didn't know really could exist out of the pages of a novel. She may well be a wonderful person, so I don't want to name her, but to give a flavour of the bio:

Ms Posh Name is 27. She is very beautiful, her lovely face adorns the blurb. She is an actress, and a prize winning classical musician, she is also a journalist who writes for all the decent newspapers one can think of. Did I mention her double first at Cambridge? Her Masters at Harvard? She is married, does a lot of charity work, and wrote this debut novel in-between filming scenes whilst on location. I have no idea what the book will be like, but cripes, sitting here, fat, old, with a cold and aches and holding my very own pity party, I just feel so inadequate.

I wanted to do a clever title for this post about teaching grandma to suck eggs or something but it didn't work out

Surprise! I love short stories. Yup. And I have a short story display case at work which I refresh every week, putting in my favourites, trying to make it enticing and irresistible. A woman came into the shop and asked where the short stories were, so I was yay and delighted, and showed her "my" selection, and then showed her the shelves where other anthologies are and so on. And I couldn't resist asking if she was a short story buff as she ended up buying six or seven books. And she said no, she wasn't, didn't read them, didn't know anything about them, but she has to teach the subject at Uni this term.

:(

Writer types that others have encountered (because I am still made of bitch, even tho' I am feeling mellow as I have been on holiday!)

Firstly, this was bitchy, I acknowledge that, but y'know, this is my blog, and if I wanna bitch you really don't have to read it if you don't like it. And, it was meant to be funny too, like when you go, oh yeah, man, I know someone like that...so thanks to those of you who sent your own writer types.

Kellie reminded me that there is also "the inept, attention-seeking, lunatic." and yes, how could I have forgotten. kellie and I suffered from 'meeting' a woman who was very good at delivering hype, but who couldn't actually write. Eeep.

And Vanessa has generously given us three:

"the one who asks you what you'll be doing at your forthcoming workshop on opening up creativity, flash fiction, etc...says 'Wow, what a brilliant workshop!" then books a country house and puts on an identical course costing punters four times as much....

and

the one who moans about other writers not sharing contacts, market info, comp info... and never swaps any info themselves...

and another(!)

the one who says 'you won what? Oh THAT comp. I didn't enter myself... forgot...' (course of they had... they'd have won, right?)"

Vanessa, ohmygod! The first is just too awful!!! The second, urgh, the third, ARGH! Plain and simple!

Thanks for sharing!

(Because I am made of bitch) Writer types I have encountered

The internet is a wonderful thing. It wasn't that long ago that I had no computer and wrote only on paper. I didn't know any other people who wanted to be writers, but I did write, gubbins and tosh, and knew that it wasn't good enough for anything or anyone, so did nothing with it.

Then I got a pc, and dial up. A friend told me about Pulp Net, and I subbed some stuff to them. Hurray!

I now have a MacBook ♥ and Broadband. I "know" writers that I have met online. Vanessa Gebbie introduced me to her online writers forum, I have found writers through blogging, other writers have contacted me, I have contacted them, I have "met" some cool bananas in Zoetrope, "know" some super cool people from America, India, Israel, U.K. I have met other writers in person. It is fabulous to talk writing, get support and understanding, share knowledge and information.

BUT

You know, I am getting a bit fucked off with people schmoozing because they think I can do something for them. I understand that people suck arse, but really, no matter how cynical I get I still seem to assume that basically all people are good, and all people will treat others as they would wish to be treated themselves. Sigh. So, yeah, anyway:

Writer types I have encountered.

1) The hello-I'm-a-writer-too-let's-meet-up-for-coffee-oh-I-have-a-book-out-any-day-now-and-you-work-in-a-huge-bookshop-that-won't-be-stocking-my-book-unless-oh-would-you-could-you-that's-so-great/so-shitty-you'll-never-hear-from-me-again person

2) Oh, you write so well, I do like you so much, can I help you at all? Maybe we could swap work? You review for Pulp Net, WBQ and The Short Review don't you? Oh...well...maybe...?

3) I will suck you dry of every bit of writing knowledge that you have learned, and then I will move on to someone fresh for I am vampire writer here to feed.

4) I am a writer who knows how it can sting and be lonely, and I will sympathise and empathise and encourage. I will ask for nothing in return.

5) I hate to ask, but is there any chance you could...?
You are so helpful, dependable, ace.
(Repeat over and over.)

6) I am very cool. Who are you again? What is it you want?

7)

(By the way, 7 was the writer who doesn't even do you the basic courtesy of replying to you)

8) Ah, writers, yes, we're all nuts aren't we? Bonkers! Ha ha ha. Crazy whacky! Ha ha...(EEEEEEEK!)

More when I think of them. I think this may be the first in an occasional series!

9) Women Rule Writer has come up with a hum dinger of a number 9:

Oooh, what about the 'Little Old Me' writers? They assume a position of great innocence about their talent, then let you do all their PR for them, while skimming off the cream of your ideas, contacts etc. Do I sound like I've been stung? I have. Twice! Argh!

I know someone just like that, my sympathy WRW.